[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I love you…
…r dog.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.