@GingerHotDish

Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?

Me: *stops the car* get out!

@GingerHotDish

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

@GingerHotDish

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

@GingerHotDish

My 16 year old daughter has decided that her best friend’s mom and I need to be best friends too.

Please send help.

@GingerHotDish

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

@GingerHotDish

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

@GingerHotDish

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

@GingerHotDish

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

@GingerHotDish

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

@GingerHotDish

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.