I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.