Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Me: or Worcestershire
My 16 year old daughter has decided that her best friend’s mom and I need to be best friends too.
Please send help.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.