If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.