In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Who.
Did.
This?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.