PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?