DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Omg 🤣
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared