Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.