I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism