One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
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My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.