I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.