I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
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AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.