How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
He’s cranky this morning
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.