Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
yeah not falling for this one
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*