Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Challenge accepted.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair