Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
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This could’ve been an email.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
i spent way too long on this
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: