Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.