HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
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Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.