Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
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If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.