Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.