I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Print is alive and well!!!
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Stop.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.