@Godhatespants

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

@Godhatespants

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

@Godhatespants

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets