Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
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my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I hate everything
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying