My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
You Might Also Like
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
pelicons
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Yes
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I am never leaving this website
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.