@GoldenSpirals

He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@GoldenSpirals

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

@GoldenSpirals

I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,

when vegetables become “veegetables”.

@GoldenSpirals

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

@GoldenSpirals

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

@GoldenSpirals

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

@GoldenSpirals

Confuse the cable guy when he finally shows up at your house by telling him he’ll have to wait outside until your favorite TV show is over.