He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’ll pronounce vegan “veegan”,
when vegetables become “veegetables”.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Confuse the cable guy when he finally shows up at your house by telling him he’ll have to wait outside until your favorite TV show is over.