Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Breaking news:
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero