Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
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I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Passwords are more important than ever.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.