I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
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Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Beauty and the Beast
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.