{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
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Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
uh oh
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.