Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe