I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
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If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Name another movie that mislead you?