Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Friday night party time 🥳
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes