Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum