Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.