Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Somebody’s lying.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Meow
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
man: wait
time: no
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Investing in beetcoin
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.