Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.


Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.


I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.


God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]


I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.