I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
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[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Breaking news:
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*seductively eats two tums*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today