Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
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Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
me, too, girl. me, too.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
my dog when i have a friend over