Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I don鈥檛 know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
You鈥檝e been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn鈥檛 figure out how to spell it.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 馃幎 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Ugh I鈥檝e put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I鈥檓 glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we鈥檇 constantly be walking into each other.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
#KarenAndTheCat 馃槈
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*