If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.