Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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44.65
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44.87*click*
44.96*click*
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44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My dad.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?