wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
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Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
who did the taste test?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
i choose….tongue
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!