Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
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[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns