They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence