@GrandadJFreeman *painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
@GrandadJFreeman @GrandadJFreeman Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
@GrandadJFreeman Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol
@GrandadJFreeman Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
@GrandadJFreeman I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@GrandadJFreeman “Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
@GrandadJFreeman Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…
@GrandadJFreeman In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
@GrandadJFreeman My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
@GrandadJFreeman If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.