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Page of GrantTanaka's best tweets

@GrantTanaka : 1. gather 'round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

@GrantTanaka: me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

@GrantTanaka: wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

@GrantTanaka: me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

@GrantTanaka: wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

@GrantTanaka: dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

@GrantTanaka: me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND...AND...
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

@GrantTanaka: cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

@GrantTanaka: [american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

@GrantTanaka: a funny thing to do is to call someone & say "HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE"