the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing