Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
seems fine
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)