Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I gave up going to work for lent.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.