Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.