*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
necessity is the mother of invention
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…