This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
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Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang