A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
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ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Good news
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”