Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.